


go slow

by hotmess_ex_press



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Falling Out of Love, Mistaken Soulmates, endgame lisoo but the jenlisa is very real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 06:15:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19312315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotmess_ex_press/pseuds/hotmess_ex_press
Summary: "Here it is," Jisoo says gently. Lisa nods, feeling robotic as she exits the car. She turns back to Jisoo and reaches out.Smoothly, Jisoo pulls her hand away from the armrest, searching through her pockets. Lisa's fingers close around empty air, cold, and she clears her throat, straightening up again.Jisoo meets her eyes and looks guilty when she promises, "I'll wait for you."





	go slow

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to blvd for the lovely prompt, I'm so sorry it took this long. But I hope you enjoy!
> 
> soulmate au where your soulmate's name appears somewhere on your skin on your 21st birthday

Lisa can't stop smiling. Her cheeks ache gently and her hands won't stop moving, grasping Jennie's too tightly as they drag their feet on their way to the door, wandering across familiar shoulders as she eases the buttons of Jennie's coat together. Stroking through Jennie's already disheveled hair as they kiss, teeth clacking together when Jennie just can't keep herself from smiling back anymore.

They pull away and Jennie tilts her head, looking Lisa up and down. Her eyes are hungry but soft, and all too easy to fall into. Lisa saves herself by staring down at their feet, toes nearly touching. Her chipped pink polish cheeky and juvenile, looking so _wrong_ , brushing the pointed leather tips of Jennie's heels. Her grip grows almost desperate.

"How are you feeling?" Jennie whispers, voice smooth and steady.

"Excited," Lisa's beam slips a little when she meets Jennie's knowing gaze. Her expression dims to something bearable, a little clumsy. "Nervous," she confesses.

Jennie chuckles. She straightens her jacket like it needed fixing in the first place, and steps into the hallway. She inhales and closes her eyes before speaking, lips still curving up daintily. "Don't be."

"Can't help it," Lisa leans against the doorframe, hoping for another kiss. She shuffles her feet. "What about you? How do you feel?"

"Confident." Jennie's hands find their place, cupping Lisa's jawline. She leans in until their noses touch and Lisa feels herself going cross-eyed, straining to drink Jennie in until the last moment. "In love."

Their lips meet again and again, until Lisa is breathless and Jennie is laughing once more, husky and intoxicating. "It's me and you," she reminds softly, fingertips trailing over Lisa's cheekbones before falling to her sides.

"You and me," Lisa responds as Jennie turns on her heel and strides away.

"I love you," Jennie calls back as soon as she's out of sight, heels clicking against the stairs. She says it as easily as an afterthought, but Lisa knows she never forgets.

The door swings closed stickily, and Lisa locks it as slowly as she can. She feels light and love-drunk as she tiptoes to the window, pulling the curtains apart just a sliver. Her breath fogs up the dark glass. She drags her palm across just in time to spot Jennie crossing the parking lot to her car. Jennie unlocks the car, but swivels back to the building. And Lisa _knows_ she is invisible from the ground, the lights dim and the windows high. But Jennie waves anyway. Because she _knows_.

Lisa stifles her giggles with her hand, and feels warm even as cold air sneaks past the rickety windows.

 _We're in love_ , she thinks. _We're in love and we're soulmates. We have to be._

Before she flicks the last lights off, Lisa ticks another day off on her calendar. It's the fifteenth, and _Jennie's 21st_ is carefully penned as the only event for tomorrow. Worry has been lurking, staining the perfect moments Lisa should have been cherishing, because tomorrow is the day they see if this has all been for nothing.

 _Of course it hasn't been_ , Lisa scolds herself. _There's no way... there's no way._

When she finally falls asleep, she wishes it was in Jennie's arms.

 

 

 

Lisa wakes up early and fidgets until her alarm goes off. She feels breathless and apprehensive, and jumps at every sound, thinking it's a tap when Jennie only ever knocks, a text when Jennie only ever calls. She puts on the pilled green sweater that still smells like Jennie, all vanilla and amber, and shuffles around in her socks, kicking aimlessly at the messes she should be putting away. A stack of barely-touched poetry books here, an old teddy bear in the corner of her room, some autumn clothes still strewn throughout the apartment.

 _I'll move in when I get my mark_ , Jennie promised once. Maybe then it'll be warmer, more cluttered. Maybe then Lisa will feel some sort of remorse slamming the door behind her every morning. Jennie should _be_ here already.

Lisa collapses on the couch, facing the door, and tries not to think.

A pair of shoes appears in the crack between the door and the scuffed hardwood floor. Recognizing them as Jennie's Converse, Lisa waits for the knock.

It doesn't come. The shoes step side to side uncomfortably, weight shifting from foot to foot. Confused, Lisa trips over and throws the door open.

Jennie gasps, gaze tearing away from the bouquet of muted lemon, cotton candy, sky blue gripped in her hands, pretty blooms all wrapped in newspaper, and fastening on Lisa. Her eyes melt into a swirl of annoyance, surprise, and relief.

"Lisa!" she exclaims. "I just got here."

Lisa's eyebrows furrow slightly at the lie, but she smiles anyway. "Happy birthday, Jennie."

Jennie dips her head in acknowledgement, but she won't meet Lisa's eyes as she hands her the flowers and toes her shoes off. Lisa bites her lip. They walk into her bedroom, where Lisa tucks her feet up under her, clutching the bouquet on her unmade bed. Jennie settles on her desk chair and runs her fingertips over the photographs framed on her bookcase, back to Lisa.

Lisa's voice breaks the silence, weak and strange. "Jennie," the girl's hands fall to her lap, head bowing. "Please tell me. What's wrong?"

Jennie sighs, raking through her hair. "Lisa, baby..."

Her thought trails off but Lisa _knows_. Jennie is cold but never to her: now, her voice drips in regret. But the rigid line of her back sings ice.

"It's not me, is it," the words quiver and fall flat, even in their certainty. Jennie stands and turns abruptly, tears glistening but unshed. Lisa's heart beats painfully. "Oh god, tell me you're joking."

"Lisa..." the head of a rosebud breaks loose and rolls across the carpet as the flowers fall from Lisa's shaking hands.

"We're not soulmates," Lisa croaks, digging her palms into her eyes. She's dizzy and it _hurts_. "Can I see it? See her... her name? Is it someone I know?"

Another weary exhale tumbles from Jennie's lips. "It doesn't matter," she responds, so softly it almost sounds like a mistake, just firm enough for Lisa to understand that _she_ , at least, believes it. She sits on the bed and pulls Lisa towards her, cradling her as close as she can. Lisa grasps her sweatshirt and cries.

"What are we gonna do?" she whispers, scared of the answer but just as scared of what she can't control. She begs the universe, _if you can't give me this, take me back to yesterday_.

She hears Jennie's breath catch. "I don't know, Lisa. I just don't know."

 

 

 

They fall asleep like that, bodies whole as they curve into each other, hearts spiderwebbing with cracks as their souls pull gently away, the wrong ends of two magnets.

Lisa wakes up alone, the flowers trimmed and arranged in a glass on the kitchen table.

 

 

 

Another call is sent straight to voicemail.

_You've reached Jennie Kim--_

Lisa hangs up, blinking hard so she doesn't break down.

She slips into her jacket and shoves her sneakers on, laces loose and snapping around her ankles. The streets seem forever-long and the ticking of her watch is magnified with every step. Lisa breaks into a sprint and hopes time follows, but all the seconds do is drive their impossible weight into her heels. She trips up the stairs to Jennie's floor, tile cold under her flushed skin. She peels herself off the floor and doesn't let herself linger.

Jisoo, Jennie's roommate, is the one who opens the door, round glasses catching the light from the hallway. She's wearing a flannel that hangs past her shorts and her toenails are painted orange and her hair is silky, slipping from silver clips, and something about her is so frightfully welcoming Lisa just can't keep it in.

Jisoo pulls her inside, not mentioning the sudden, desperate tears welling up in Lisa's eyes, and leads her to the couch, kneeling on the other side of the coffee table. She rubs the inside of her right wrist, which has been wrapped in ribbon since her twenty-first birthday. It's a wide, glossy beige ribbon today, the fraying ends hanging loose. Lisa stares, distracting them both, and she brings her arms under the table.

"Why?" Lisa asks, pointing. Her throat aches. "Why do you hide it?"

Jisoo exhales softly, tongue darting over her pretty pink lips.

"They're nicer to look at than bandages, don't you think?"

Lisa looks away. She sniffs, wiping her sleeve over her face. Thinking _shouldn't the nicest thing to look at be_ their _name?_

Jisoo stands and walks slowly, excruciatingly to Lisa's side. Lisa waits for the touch, an arm wrapped around her shoulders, a fingertip traced over her cheekbone, but it doesn't come. "She went out. I can take you."

"Please," Lisa agrees, and clambers off of the cushions.

The drive is near-silent. Lisa holds her breath, and Jisoo tapping her fingers against the wheel at stoplights is deafening.

When Jisoo eases into a spot beside a club Jennie talked about taking Lisa on her twenty-first birthday, she feels stuck, breathless and jittery, so she digs her fingernails into the hem of her shirt and tries to clear her mind, blinking fast. The ten steps heading to the club seem impossible from this side of the tinted glass, and Jisoo... Jisoo is so _easy_.

"Here it is," Jisoo says gently. Lisa nods, feeling robotic as she exits the car. She turns back to Jisoo and reaches out.

Smoothly, Jisoo pulls her hand away from the armrest, searching through her pockets. Lisa's fingers close around empty air, cold, and she clears her throat, straightening up again.

Jisoo meets her eyes and looks guilty when she promises, "I'll wait for you."

Lisa nods again, jerkily, and jogs into the club to find Jennie.

It's not hard and it never will be. Jennie glows, from the sheen of her teeth to the flick of her hair to the look in her eyes when they meet Lisa's, glassy and determined. The crowd swallows her as she steps forward, rippling from the place she disappears. Lisa's eyelids pinch around a single tear, and when she opens them, there is Jennie, face smeared in orange and pink and gold, head tilting to the side. She pulls her hair over her shoulder, smiling close-lipped and bland. "What are you doing here?"

"I," Lisa frowns, staring hard at the smoky cement floor, "I was looking for you."

Jennie shakes her head. "Lisa, we can't do this anymore."

Lisa's head snaps up. "What?"

"You heard me," Jennie sighs. And she is so very good at painting herself blank, it's been years but Lisa still can't see through her when shadows drape over her face the way they do now. "This. You and me. It's not enough."

"What are you saying?" Lisa's hands flutter anxiously. She takes a step closer, wants Jennie to _hold_ her, needs an anchor while all these lights and people and sounds are whipping around her, but Jennie backs away. Lisa's head spins, and she feels vacant as her arms, as her hands, as Jennie's liner-smudged eyes. "It's me and you, always, Jennie, you _meant_ it when you said you loved me--"

"Leave," Jennie interrupts, almost tenderly, and the world slows just long enough for Lisa to wonder how her voice can feel like a kiss and a knife to her throat all at once. "We have to stop. Pretend it's a choice."

She turns and doesn't look back. But Lisa catches a glimpse of cursive tracing between her shoulder blades before her hair swings back to curtain it, hates how it is always her being left behind.

Lisa stands and imagines sinking into the smoke the same way Jennie is sinking back into the dance floor, a vision, then a glimmer, then nothing at all. She holds herself and the tears fall sweet and slow.

 

 

 

Jisoo's hands are warm and sturdy around Lisa's waist when she whispers, _let's take you home_.

 _Home_ is Jisoo's bed with a cup of tea and borrowed pajamas. Her room smells like flowers and peppermint and the moon hangs heavy, framed by her gauzy cream curtains. Jisoo disappears and Lisa doesn't call for her when loneliness neglects to follow.

She finds a scrap of paper and a pencil, and scribbles her name all over it, wondering why it isn't beautiful enough for Jennie's silky vanilla skin.

 

 

 

There's a sound at the door, so tentative Lisa isn't sure she's not imagining it. She's confused for a moment, marveling at the lavender-scent in the grey-striped bedsheets, the scattered plushies and paperback books she didn't notice last night. Last night... Jisoo shouldn't have been so kind to her. She remembers.

The door gently clicks shut, and muted footsteps near the bed. "Jisoo?" she mumbles.

A familiar chuckle. The bed dips on her other side, and she quickly presses her face into the pillow, wondering if that's disappointment or heartbreak tugging the corners of her lips down. Jennie's hand settles on her shoulder. "I hate to let you down," she tries to joke. Lisa shrugs. She sounds fond but so _tired_ , and Lisa can't stand it. "I'm also... sorry about what I said."

Hope presses Lisa's heart closer to her tongue, as if she could ever deny Jennie in the first place. "It's okay. I know you didn't mean it, you were drunk--"

"No," Jennie cuts her off sadly. "I wasn't. I knew you'd look for me and I didn't want to do that to you."

"Then why?" Lisa pleads. She turns, propped up on her elbows. Jennie is closer than she expected, and she can see Jennie swallow, glancing down at her lips before shifting, leaning away from Lisa.

"Lisa," Jennie drags her hand through her hair, frustrated. Lisa isn't sure who she's frustrated with. "Remember? We talked about this when we were first getting together. We promised to do what was right--"

"But what about all the other promises you made?" Lisa cries. She sits up fully now, hating how weak, how out-of-control she sounds. "Taking me out and moving in and meeting my family, did it all mean nothing? What if... what if _this_ is right?"

Jennie lowers her head. "That was before. This? This is now. We have to look forward."

Lisa looks around the room, screws her eyes shut, scrabbles for anything to keep her gaze off Jennie. Gorgeous, stubborn Jennie, who hears but doesn't listen, who listens but doesn't care. "Why does there have to be a difference? Why can't we just be like we were? It doesn't have to mean anything. _She_ doesn't have to mean anything, it can still be you and me--"

"Do you know what you're saying?" Jennie hisses. Lisa flinches. "Do you want to be miserable? Never feeling truly content in a relationship that leaves both us _and_ our real soulmates wanting, always _needing_ , more? What do we gain from that? We need to grow up, Lisa."

"Jennie," Lisa whimpers.

"Look," Jennie softens, pushing her hair away from her face. "If we think what we have is good, imagine how it'll be when we're with the people the universe wanted us to be with. Lisa, I don't want to be trapped here, and I sure as hell don't want _you_ to be trapped here. You're so bright. Even if we try, it'll never be the same."

 _What if we_ are _as good as it gets?_ Lisa doesn't let herself say. She clenches her hands, a tear falling onto the blankets. "Nothing's going to change your mind, is it?"

Jennie smiles, moving to press an apologetic kiss to Lisa's temple. "See you around, Lisa."

 

 

 

Their next meeting is sooner than Jennie wants and harsher than Lisa expects.

"Jennie?" Lisa whispers, as if anyone is around to hear. She switches her phone to her other ear, rolling over and turning the lights on, grimacing. "What's wrong?"

"I miss you," Jennie replies confidently, and Lisa's eyes widen.

She clears her throat. "What do you mean?"

"I want you with me," Jennie breathes, and it's only now that Lisa is realizing she may be drunk, because a sober Jennie never goes back on her word, no matter _how_ much she wants it. "Come over."

She hangs up.

After she's wasted enough time brushing her hair and retying her shoes and pacing between the couch and the door, Lisa plops down. _Is this right?_ Jennie is drunk and Lisa is not, Lisa wants _them_ and Jennie does not, Jennie wants _her_ and Lisa still isn't sure. _Is_ anything _right?_ Not for the first time, Lisa wonders where her mark will be. On her wrist, like Jisoo's? Where everybody _could_ see, but no one ever does? Perhaps it will be on her back, like Jennie's, displayed to the world but never to the person who needs to see it the most. Nothing _about this is right_ , Lisa decides, pushing the door open. And if the universe is allowed to be this wrong, why isn't she?

Really, she just misses Jennie back. Most of all, she misses Jennie.

"I thought you weren't coming," Jennie murmurs, pulling Lisa in, lips already burning on her skin. She tightens her arms around Lisa's neck and Lisa gasps, barely able to kick the door shut.

They stumble into Jennie's room, and half-fall onto the bed. Jennie kisses her properly, rough and nearly emotionless. She tastes bitter and sharp but it's just like it used to be. It _is. It is._ Isn't it? She hovers over Lisa, leg slipping between hers and weight settling onto her body. Lisa hums, too tired to keep it in but not too tired to want _more_ , and threads her fingers through Jennie's hair, tugging in the way that's just harsh enough to make Jennie shudder. She groans, pulling away.

"You're so beautiful," Jennie tells her, leaning into Lisa's touch. She is far more beautiful, but Lisa closes her eyes because she isn't sure if she wants Jennie to know that today. " _Lisa_."

They both stiffen, and suddenly Lisa realizes what Jennie meant when she said _it'll never be the same_. Jennie dips down again but Lisa clumsily blocks her, scrambling away from the bed. She backs into the wall, sinking to the floor.

"Oh my god," she closes her eyes, lets her head fall back. "What are we doing? I can't-- _we_ can't--Jennie, you _said_ we couldn't..."

Her name is not the one Jennie should be letting slip from those spit-slicked lips. It hangs heavy and sickening all around them and Lisa feels like a liar, a cheater, even though letting go always leaves something a little like pollution in your chest.

It doesn't matter how much Lisa wants Jennie to stay, content and oblivious. There is someone waiting for Jennie, and she said it herself. They will never be enough. If she doesn't pull away now, what will Jennie say in the morning, her eyes their default cold, merciless when Lisa has gotten so used to their honey? If she doesn't pull away now, Lisa doesn't think she could handle the desperation of hoping they mess up again.

"Come back to bed," Jennie orders, careful and calculated. Lisa grips her knees to her chest, and she sighs. "I won't try anything. Just sleep. It's late."

Jennie falls asleep quickly, back to Lisa. Lisa watches her breathe, and blinks and blinks until her eyes won't open.

 

 

 

Loud voices drift in from the kitchen. Lisa drags her eyes open and shivers; the bed is empty and Jennie hadn't bothered pulling the blankets up around her. A cool breeze wavers from the open window and Lisa tosses the duvet over her head, trying to drive everything but the familiar vanilla sheets out of her mind.

"--can't lead her on like this, Jennie, you _know_ better than this."

"I was drunk, alright?" Lisa can almost see Jennie leaning against the countertops, tee shirt and sweats, eyes hard and hands tangling the same way Lisa's were last night in her morning-mussed hair. "We didn't even do anything."

"If you were so drunk," Jisoo's voice is rich and rougher than Lisa's ever heard it, "you can't say that for sure, can you?"

"Why do you even care?" Jennie snaps. Surely she is bubbling by now, jaw twitching, tottering closer to an explosion. "Why can't you just let us figure this out alone? What do _you_ know about love, anyway?" Her voice lowers, deceptively alluring, temptingly lethal. "Cover your wrist like you're _ashamed_ of them, don't you? You'll never love them and that will break them. When their name turns white because they just can't take it anymore, you'll feel as good as a murderer, won't it be nice?"

Lisa gasps, hand clapping over her mouth because Jennie should _know_ not to touch that: the possibility of the cruel, beautiful lettering fading to white, barely visible on Jisoo's pale skin, and for a moment Lisa wonders if Jisoo's soulmate already _has_ let go. If that's why--

"Jennie..." Jisoo warns, and Lisa strains to hear. "Maybe you're the one here who knows the least about love."

"I'm sorry," Jennie sounds impatient, not sorry at all. "I got a bit--"

"Don't apologize to me. Apologize to my soulmate." A strangled pause. "Apologize to Lisa. Yourself, too."

"I--"

"Maybe," Jisoo continues, speaking as if her words have been slashed open and stitched whole a million times before, "maybe I'm doing it all for her."

A minute later, the front door is catching back into place and Jisoo's quick footsteps penetrate the thin walls. Lisa feels exactly as she hoped she wouldn't; an intruder in a moment that laid bare too much of Jisoo's soul in the first place. Jennie slips into the bedroom and Lisa breathes heavily, doesn't peek when Jennie's fingertips graze her jawline. The emotion intensifies, purifying into guilt.

"Sorry, baby," Jennie mumbles, almost absentmindedly. "Didn't mean to make us hurt."

 

 

 

And it breaks her heart every time her phone lights up with a name that _isn't_ Jennie's. And she cries but she lists all the times Jennie wasn't the right one and counts down the days until her twenty-first and maybe this is better, anyway.

 

 

 

 _Let me make you dinner_ , Lisa had demanded because Jisoo's been too good. _At the very least._

They've never been alone for long, never eaten together without Jennie around, and Lisa can't shake the feeling of discomfort that's been hanging around her shoulders since she opened the door to a shyly grinning Jisoo with a tin of cookies tucked under her arm. Looking so pretty Lisa almost wished she could take her somewhere nice, somewhere expensive, before remembering, _that's just Jisoo_.

She is... distracting, Lisa ponders, chopsticks stilled over her own bowl as she studies the wisps of hair carefully pulled free from Jisoo's sleek ponytail. She wonders how much time Jisoo spent perfecting the pucker of her lips, a lush rose stain Lisa remembers seeing on her vanity, as she cools her noodles, or if it all just comes natural. She wonders why Jisoo hasn't been swept away by someone beautiful, the soulmate she _deserves_ , yet. Jisoo looks up at her, glances at the forgotten bowl in front of her, smiles a little unsure. She's so warm. Something in Lisa's chest tugs strangely, so she quickly focuses on her meal again.

They eat mostly in silence. Jisoo asks her how her week has been, good, great, Lisa asks how Jennie is, Jisoo shoves more food into her mouth. Lisa frowns. _We should do this again_. The quiet isn't unsettling.

Jisoo's eyes crinkle up. "I'll help you with the dishes."

They work smoothly, quickly, and small talk fizzles up and out. Lisa pulls the plug triumphantly, the bubbles swirling down the drain, and takes the handful of utensils Jisoo is holding out to her, fingers brushing. The thin tulle looped around Jisoo's wrist like a bracelet, ends tucked in, is loose around her, and the inky scrawl of a name peeks through. Jisoo's gaze follows hers but Lisa has already dropped the chopsticks, spoons _clink_ ing against the floor.

"Lisa, don't," she begs, but the damage is done, Lisa pulling her hand close and pushing the cloth away. _Lisa_ , it reads, _Lisa_ in familiar handwriting because she's the one who's been writing it for years and years and years--

It makes sense. It _doesn't_ make sense. _They_ don't make sense but maybe the universe planned it this way, wanted Lisa to love Jisoo _less_ because she is just too different from Jennie, too far from what Lisa thinks she could fall in love with, though that doesn't sound right, either.

Jisoo snatches her hand back and Lisa follows, catching her in a sudden kiss. She presses her against the counter, maybe too aggressive but she wants to feel _something_ , moving desperately because that was the way Jennie liked her best and Lisa never learned how to kiss another way. They were forever but this is _now_ , Jisoo is hers now, and Jisoo wants this, doesn't she? This is what soulmates do, and Jisoo deserves a soulmate who will know exactly what she needs, this is what _love_ is, isn't it? But Lisa wants _something_ more than the grit of salty tears--

"Lisa," Jisoo grabs Lisa's forearms from where they've trapped her in, pushes her away, _hard_. "Lisa, _stop_."

She stumbles away. Jisoo scrubs her hand over her mouth, then her streaming eyes. Lisa wraps her arms around herself, taking another step back, feeling stupid and small and _young_ , hating herself more than she ever has when Jisoo won't meet her eye.

"Lisa, please don't lie," she whispers, rubbing her wrist like she can somehow erase the sentence marked across it. "You're not ready for this."

Lisa stands, lips parted, helpless as Jisoo grabs her bag and sweeps out.

 

 

 

Jennie's voice doesn't sound as good as it once did over the phone, though she speaks more free than ever. It doesn't feel as sweet as it used to be, but, then again, nothing does. Lisa's heart is heavy as Jennie tells her about the dates she's been on, looking for the right handwriting to match the dainty script she's come to memorize. Jennie, to Lisa's surprise, was the one who called first, because _we're still friends, and we always will be_.

"Jennie," Lisa interrupts, and regrets it when her mind wipes itself clean in the face of silence. All she thinks is _Jisoo_ but Jennie was talking _ie_ 's and _y_ 's, and Lisa's voice is already too miserable to have been listening. Jennie chuckles.

"Jisoo is alright," Jennie informs her, before going tender. A bit wistful. Lisa is almost scared. "Lisa, her mark... it looks just like I thought it would. But better, of course, because it's on _her_."

Lisa blinks. Guilt swirls up, up because Jennie always gets the reaction she wants.

"Maybe not now," Jennie continues. "Maybe later. Or not. But she's beautiful and she's _yours_."

 _Yes_ , Lisa holds her tongue, breathes. _That's the reason I fucked us up in the first place_.

Jennie has already ended the call. Lisa wonders if anything is as okay as she seems to think it is. She wonders if Jennie was lying because she _knows_ Lisa can never tell. She wonders if Jennie is really as good at letting go as she is at everything else, or if Lisa is just straggling behind as always. She wonders if Jisoo is thinking about her.

 

 

 

The girl sitting across from Jisoo is pretty; all bright-faced and short-haired and _smiling_ , surely taller than Lisa, surely less demanding and young and confused. Surely someone who would never trap Jisoo in, kiss her all wrong and unwanted. Lisa frowns, feels too sick with shame to bother with jealousy. And Jisoo's wrist is still hidden, a gold cuff smothering Lisa's name better than cloth ever could. Lisa wants to vomit, sob and shriek and make the universe _know_ what it's done. But she can't, it's Jisoo's choice, and even if this flawless girl is harsh at Jisoo's side, Lisa has made Jisoo wait long enough. Maybe it's her turn.

Jisoo looks up, their eyes meeting through the window of the bistro. Lisa averts her gaze, adjusts her grip on the plastic grocery bags in her hands, walks on.

 

 

 

"It's not like that," Jisoo explains as soon as Lisa is close enough to hear. She blinks.

"Like what?"

Jisoo is calm, fingers strung through the bracelets wrapped around her wrist. Sitting pretty on a park bench even though the temperature is swooping too close to freezing, because it'll be easier to run away like this. She peers up at Lisa, lips not quite closed and swept the faintest scarlet. Her eyes are big and Lisa revels in their openness; glossy and expectant and cautious. Lisa thinks she catches a flicker of hope, and lets herself fall after. She sits, perhaps too close. Jisoo doesn't move away.

"With the girl," she clarifies.

"Oh," Lisa frowns, glaring at her feet pushing into the soggy grass. "I mean, it's okay. You... you can do whatever you want. Don't worry about me."

Jisoo half-turns, smiling. Their knees bump, and Lisa clenches her hands in her lap. "You really don't get it, do you?"

She stares somewhere near Jisoo's shoulder. Jisoo's gaze strays back to the murky sky, clouds lingering above the horizon, blanketing the sun. Her hair flutters in the wind, and Lisa wonders if she'd like it to be brushed through, tangled, tugged.

"I've waited this long because you and Jennie were together. You were in love and I liked seeing you happy."

"Why are you still waiting, then?" Lisa's voice is faint and she clears her throat. She can feel Jisoo's eyes on her. "I'm not happy anymore. I don't know what I want."

Lisa steals a peek and draws back at the mingling pity and adoration on Jisoo's face. "Exactly."

"What do _you_ want?" Lisa retorts, feeling childish. She reaches out but Jisoo's hands are pulling away again, and Lisa's land awkwardly, palms up, on the bench between them. She holds her breath.

"I want this," Jisoo says, voice slightly unsteady. She unstrings each bracelet from her right wrist, coiling them into Lisa's palm. She folds Lisa's fingers over the cool metal, lingering, holding Lisa's hand in her own. Lisa drinks in the sight of her own name nestled perfectly among the veins of Jisoo's arm. "I want you to be happy."

"Aren't you ashamed?" her fingertips quiver over Jisoo's mark.

"Of course not," Jisoo answers, sounding so pensive. "But you _were_ in love."

She is too good. She is warm, she is _easy_. Lisa leans in, giving Jisoo room to push her back, giving her time to not want this.

Her mouth softly bumps Jisoo's cheek as she turns her head. Lisa stills.

"Be gentle," Jisoo whispers before tilting her head, lips brushing against Lisa's.

And Lisa _marvels_ at the fragility of it, dizzy from her heart beating hard and pleasant against her ribs. Thinking _this is right_ when Jisoo is the one who presses closer, and believing it, hand sliding up Jisoo's neck, trembling in that glossy hair. Jisoo's touch is light, unsure, gentle because this is what they both need.

Lisa isn't in love anymore, but Jisoo is smiling like relief and melancholy and _forever_ , and she can be happy.

 

 

 

Lisa's shirt has been peeled away in favor of Jisoo's arms draped over her, legs thrown together underneath the blankets. Every place their bare skin touches tingles slightly, and Lisa squirms closer, Jisoo's heat soft and familiar. Jisoo chuckles, nudges her back.

"It's midnight," she whispers.

They wait quietly. Lisa doesn't dare breathe, too afraid of missing anything. It's different for everyone, she's heard, and Jisoo won't tell her how her mark felt.

There's a telltale scratching under the skin of her left wrist, deep down and almost painful. She lifts her arm, fascinated, into the raw light spilling in from the window. Watching the simple script sink into her skin. _Jisoo_.

Lisa grins, indulgent. Jisoo pulls her wrist closer, smiling against it. Lisa shivers at the delicate movements, the reverent barely-kisses.

 _I love you_. The words stick in Lisa's throat and maybe this is enough. Enough for today, enough for now. Jisoo kisses her like what they have is everything, hands warm around her wrist, and when she pulls away, Lisa swears she can see the bitten-back _I love you too_ in her star-filled eyes, waiting for Lisa because that's what she does.

"Happy birthday, Lisa," she breathes instead, content. "Happy birthday."

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are loved and appreciated forever!


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